Behavior is communication. This is the second part of a 2 part series. If you haven’t already, please go back and read Behavior is Communication: Part 1 because it will provide a lot of background information for what we are going to cover here.
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Hi, Chelsea here. I have been a pediatric speech-language pathologist (fancy name for a speech therapist) since 2015. As a newer professional I used to be terrified of “behavior” and therefore I used a pretty straightforward, no nonsense approach to eliminate behaviors. What I wish I would have known then is that behavior is communication and it was my job to navigate it not eliminate it. I cannot wait to share what I have learned with you!
Part 1 Summary
I hope you have already read part 1, but if not, or if you have forgotten the details, I will provide a quick summary. This will be our starting point, and it will be important that you understand the key points in order to apply them to the “intervention” part covered here.
ABCs of Behavior
- A: Antecedent (also known as triggers)
- B: Behavior
- C: Consequence
Something happens (Antecedent) = Person responds (Behavior) = The result (Consequence)
Children have “behaviors” for a number of reasons, but some that I discussed in part 1 include:
- Sensory dysregulation *including sleep deprivation*
- Feeling unsafe
- Repeated patterns or rituals of behavior
- Communication breakdown
The most important thing to remember when trying to address behaviors is that we need to understand the behavior first and foremost. In order to do that, we need to:
- assess the situation
- determine which of the above (and possibly more) contributing factors went into the behavior
- determine if this was a typical or non-typical behavior for your child and if there is a pattern to the behavior
- reflection on the adult interactions within the situation. Did what you (or someone else) do help or escalate the situation.
I touched on all of these in part 1, except for reflection on adult interactions, which I will expand upon here in part 2. Before we get into the interventions portion, I have something I really want you to consider, below. This will help us shape more realistic expectations when considering if behavior is appropriate or not, and it starts with a mindset shift from us as adults.
Children Are Not Small Adults
This is a hotly debated saying. I personally and professionally have swung on both sides of the pendulum with my feelings on this statement.
What has made me stand firm in the belief that children are NOT small adults is simple. They do not have the brain development that an adult has. Children’s brains are still developing into their early to mid 20s. They are still learning and should be handled in such a way.
Now, I will agree that we are raising adults, in the sense that the values we teach children should be those we want to see into adulthood. But, if we treat children as small adults, we are expecting “adult-like” behavior, which will cause a lot of frustration, because their brains are not ready.
When we rush children into “adulthood”, we are creating an environment that strips them of their natural curiosity and need to adventure, explore, investigate, operate, and undergo many experiences of learning.
This does not mean that we should just let them run wild and free. It means that we need to create a supportive environment for them to learn, fail, and get back up with the desire to do it again…aka resilience. We need to love them, support them, and teach them the rules and boundaries of life.
David Elkind’s book, The Hurried Child, talks about rushing children and much more. I learned so much from reading it, and I recommend this book to almost every friend who has or wants to have children. Check it out: https://amzn.to/49QICYH
So, yes, we are raising adults, but children are not small adults.
A last note on this topic is a direct quote from our blog post on Play: The Most Important Childhood Skill: “When I meet frustrated parents, one of the things I point out is how many times it took them to consistently do something new… maybe this is taking time to read each day, or working out a few times a week, or learning to bake bread. Often, parents say they did it really well a few times then forgot, or got busy, or couldn’t quite get it right. After this response, I gently remind them they have had a lot more years on the planet and are still struggling through something new. If we, as adults, still don’t always get it right, why are we expecting children to get it right every time?”
What Can We Do to Help Behavior
Now that we have done a brief overview of why you may be seeing behaviors with your child, let’s look at how to help them.
- First, if you read each of the books I recommended along the way, you will be off to a fantastic start!!!
- The Out of Sync Child: https://amzn.to/4k9MK9R
- David Elkind: The Hurried Child: https://amzn.to/49QICYH
- Mona Delahooke:
- Beyond Behaviors: https://amzn.to/3Mf33FK
- Brain-Body Parenting: https://amzn.to/3NW9tKj
- Barry Prizant: Uniquely Human: https://amzn.to/3Zas0Fe
- Second, if you have concerns that your child’s behavior may be more than you can handle on your own, you should always consult your child’s healthcare provider and ask for referral(s) to appropriate therapies. This may include occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, counseling or psychologist/psychiatrist, etc. If your child has difficulty communicating themselves, a referral to speech therapy may also be appropriate.
*A word on this…your child may have already been evaluated by a public or private school speech-language pathologist and “doesn’t qualify”, but if you feel your child still has communication difficulties, it may be worth an evaluation by a private practice or outpatient (e.g. clinic, hospital, university) speech-language pathologist. Every setting has different eligibility “requirements” or testing measures. So often, I see families who say they thought their child needed speech therapy but they “passed” their school evaluations.
9 Ways to Improve Behavior
- Improve Their Communication
Children must have a way to express themselves. If your child is not yet communicating verbally due to delayed skills signs, pictures, and communication devices are all options.
If they do have communication skills, we have to teach them to communicate feelings and what their bodies need by naming their feelings and exploring different strategies for regulating.
The term co-regulation comes to mind as I am typing this … when we help them recognize their own bodies and responses first and foremost, we can then help them return to a regulated state. Like everything else we have discussed on this blog, children need to be taught how to do this. Yelling at them, demeaning them, or isolating them is not teaching them.
- Name Their Feelings
We can start this from an early age, even before typical verbal communication begins. Below are some very basic examples of what a script might look like:
Name their feelings for them as infants… “you are mad I cannot pick you up right now” or “you don’t like the feeling of your wet diaper”
Name their feelings + sensory regulation for them as toddlers and preschoolers… “you are sad mommy is leaving, can I give you a hug before I go?”
Name their feelings + help them problem-solve as young elementary-age children… “You are mad your friend took your pencil, what could we do?”
Ask them about their feelings and help them problem-solve as older elementary and middle school students… “how did that make you feel when your friend cheated from your test? What could we do?”
Ask them about their feelings, help them problem-solve, and help them plan/reflect for next time as middle school and high school students… “how do you feel about not making the team? What alternatives do you have?”
Instead of trying to change their feelings, first acknowledge (e.g. name), and validate their feelings.
- Teach Respectful Communication
If asked for a list of values most parents hope their child will learn, they will likely say “respect”. They want their child to know how to respect others, respect rules, respect authority, and respect themselves.
Respect is a learned skill. How do children learn best? From observation. Think back to our Narrating for Successful Language Development post, where we discuss all of the science behind children learning from your modeling.
Does this stop at vocabulary alone? No, it extends to everything we, as the adults in their lives, do. This means children are observing the words, tone, and facial expressions we use. They are observing how we interact with them and others. When we use demands and commands more than respectful communication, a degrading tone of voice, or even eye rolling and heavy sighs – they are watching.
It is important for children to learn and understand clear boundaries and rules, however, they should be taught in a respectful manner if we want our children to develop respect.
- Improve Your Communication
Similarly to using respectful communication, as I described above, it is important that we are communicating with our children, not at them.
When we are communicating about something we expect or want them to do, we need to send clear, concise messages. Make sure you have their attention – “whole body listening” – is a strategy I talk about in therapy a lot. They should be looking at/toward you, quietly, and not distracted.
When you are going to transition or do something new or unfamiliar, it is important to talk about this to help prepare your child. Tell them, at an appropriate level, what to expect in the situation. If you have specific expectations for them or their behavior, communicate those.
Explain why you are doing certain things or asking them to do something. There is a reason children ask why a million times a day. They are trying to make sense of the world. Help them do so. This will reduce the unknown and help reduce their anxiety.
- Be Curious About Their Behavior
This goes back to the main point I made in Part 1. When we try to understand the behavior, we can better respond to it.
Instead of reacting to your child’s behavior, stop and regulate yourself first, then try to understand the situation and what your child actually needs at this point in time.
Do they need a consequence? If so:
- Make it relevant to the situation *if they disobeyed with their phone, make the consequence relevant to their phone*
- Make the severity match the situation *don’t ground them for 3 weeks over something small*
- Make it immediate *not when “dad comes home”*
Do they need connection or compassion? If so:
- First, help them regulate, if needed so they are calm and able to have a discussion
- Second, discuss the situation and help them reflect on what happened and a different response *maybe the natural consequence* was enough, and you may not need this step every time
- Third, connect with your child in whatever way they need (read together, give a hug, etc.)
- Teach Regulation
In point 2 above, I discussed the importance of naming the feelings, and starting this at a young age. It is just as important to describe signs of dysregulation as well as identifying ways to help co and self regulate.
For instance, a child may become easily upset in a particular situation, but one thing that helps calm them is bear walking. To this child, I may say “You are upset about __, let’s try a bear walk to the fridge”.
In order to do this, we may need to know a few of the child’s preferred methods of regulation. As you start paying attention to your child’s patterns of behavior, you will also start to notice things that help calm them.
Now, some things that may be bright and shiny, but should be used with extreme caution, include calming with screens or “distracting” them. I am not here to judge, and if you do this on a rare occasion, so be it. But please, do not use either of these methods as a regular “tool” for calming your child.
Think about “an ounce of prevention”… with both of these methods, you are actually dysregulating them more, and what is one of the major contributors to behavioral problems? Dysregulation. Also, just as Lauren discussed in our *screen time* post, when we provide instant gratification with screens, we are creating a slippery slope for later, worse behavior.
It may feel really hard in this moment. But, when you successfully work through this moment, the next time you are faced with it, it will not feel as bad. The better you get it at staying calm and working through these suggestions, rather than distracting your child or having an adult meltdown yourself, the better you will be at navigating your child’s behavior. Your future self will thank you for the work you put in, in this moment.
Tools for Regulation
If you feel your child has sensory dysregulation needs outside of what you can handle, it is important to discuss these concerns with your child’s healthcare provider. Working with an occupational therapist could be necessary, and quite helpful.
One tool I really like, that I have seen used by teachers and therapists alike, is the Zones of Regulation. When used appropriately, children are taught how to understand their “zone”. They learn that each zone is OK to be in and emotions are OK to feel. But then they learn specific strategies to help move between the zones, with the goal of spending most of their days in the “green zone”.
For more on this, check out the Zones of Regulation Curriculum: https://amzn.to/4clSrPV
There are tons of books, songs, and additional resources out there on this topic.
- Offer Controlled Choices
I would say a very common reason children have behavior is because they do not feel in control of their situation. Many children move about their day, being directed by parents, teachers, and daycare providers, with little choice in their day.
An easy way you can allow them control in their day, is to provide controlled choices. This is where we offer them two options and they get to choose.
Since we provided the choices, we determined what was acceptable in the situation. But, they feel they have autonomy and control over their choice.
What this may look like…
Child: “I am hungry”
Parent: “Do you want a sandwich or a taco?”
Child: “Taco… can I have salsa too?”
Parent: “Yes”
Child: crying when asked to pick up toys
Parent: “Do you want to pick up the blocks or the cars?”
Child: “blocks”
Parent: “I will pick up the cars while you do the blocks”
The goal is that you plan the choices and you let them make whatever choice. Do not try to persuade them or change their choice. Set everyone up for success by offering choices wisely.
- Use External Supports
If you have a consistent routine you follow each day, but your child is struggling to complete the tasks, try using a visual schedule. This can be hand drawn (or written if they can read) or it can be printed and laminated.
If your child struggles with transitions, use timers or visuals to support their understanding of when a new activity will be coming. Often, children can get engrossed in what they are doing and they are upset that their preferred activity is ending, but they also may not know what is coming next. So, supporting them with a clear ending of their current activity and notification of what is coming next, may help.
If you do not have consistent routines in your day, it may be helpful to find some sort of rhythm to help your child anticipate what is next. This does not have to be strict or rigid, but the general predictability, helps reduce behaviors. And if you do not have a consistent routine or your routine is changing for the day, it would be important to support with visuals and/or have a discussion about the changes.
- Reflect on the Situation
This is an area that can be most challenging for parents. It is even challenging for therapists too!
What’s important is the ability to reflect on the situation and determine all of the factors involved – what were the triggers (antecedents), what was the behavior and was it typical or not for your child, and what was the consequence? Remember, consequences are the outcomes of the behavior… so, this consequence could have been getting your attention when you were distracted.
This is where reflection comes in – what was my role in this situation? I need you to hear me loud and clear: I am not encouraging you to blame yourself nor am I trying to instill shame or guilt. None of these feelings are productive. But, I am asking you to admit that you are the adult in the situation and you are responsible for teaching your child(ren).
When I have supervised students, one of the things they express to me is their difficulty managing behaviors. When I ask them to explain the situation, they usually go on and on about what the child did. When I ask them to tell me about what triggered the behavior and their response to it, this is when we can really unpack the behavior, why it happened, and how the consequence affected it. Reflecting in this way was often difficult for student clinicians, but I would see a change in their approach and response to behaviors when they did this.
When Things Go Wrong
While all of the above examples sound great in theory, it can be hard day in and day out to implement and redirect behavior. I get it. I wish I could say I get it right every time, but I don’t. I don’t always get it right in therapy sessions or even with my own children.
I ask that you take 1 step at a time. It is never too late to change your approach and help yourself and your child. But, if you try to do it all at once, you will be met with much resistance, which will likely worsen the behavior, will make you feel burnt out, and you will likely give up.
Instead, try to focus on one specific strategy or one specific behavior at a time. It may be helpful to have a journal or someone to discuss yours and your child’s progress with.
10 things to say instead of “no, stop, don’t”
On a final note, I want to make it clear that children do need to be told “no” and understand its meaning. They also need to respect when they are asked to “stop” something. Reciprocally, they need to learn that when they say these words, they are respected as well.
However, when we use “no, stop, don’t” as our go-to behavior modification strategies, they may hear these words hundreds of times each day. The more we hear something, we can become desensitized to it, and might not recognize its severity.
I encourage you to try and redirect your child throughout most of the day, and save “no, stop, don’t” for the times when it really counts. These are the safety moments, such as crossing a street or climbing something.
In place of “no, stop don’t”, here are a few phrases you may use:
- “Waiting hands” (when they are grabbing for something)
- “Waiting feet” (when they are moving or walking ahead)
- “Close your lips, open your ears” (when you need them to listen)
- “Let’s try that again” (when they do/say something unkind)
- “I can help you ___” (whatever you asked them to do)
- “It seems like you are having a hard time” (when they are upset)
- “I am here if you need me” (when they are struggling with something)
- “Kind hands/feet/words” (when they say/do something unkind)
- “Uh-oh that hurt ___” (when they did something unkind to a person or toy)
- “Stop and think. Make a better choice” (when they are about to do something wrong)
It is important to keep things short and sweet as well as consistent to help your child understand what you mean and what you expect. These things can be paired with social stories, to help them learn and understand them better. Songs are another way to learn new skills and help ease challenging times.
References:
Oxford Languages (2026). Retrieved from:https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en/
Behavioral Principles: The Basics of Understanding Student Behavior (2026). Retrieved from: https://iris.peabody.vanderbilt.edu/module/bp/cresource/q1/p02/
The Hurried Child (25th Anniversary Edition) (2006). Elkind, David.
Sensory Integration Therapy and its Role in Occupational Therapy (2024). St. Louis College of Health Careers. Retrieved from: https://slchc.edu/occupational-therapy/role-of-occupational-therapy/sensory-integration-therapys-role-in-occupational-therapy/
Zones of Regulation. Retrieved from: https://zonesofregulation.com/
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