Big Kids, Small Menus: How to Help Your Picky Eater at Home

Hi, Chelsea here. Pediatric speech-language pathologist and feeding therapist practicing since 2015. I have worked alongside many families with picky eaters and have witnessed the struggles these families face on a daily basis. I am here to give you some insight on preventing picky eating (as much as possible) as well as provide some actionable steps into your daily routines to ease the burden of picky eating.

In Big Kids, Small Menus: Learn Why Your Child May Be a Picky Eater I covered the basics of what picky eating is, how common it is, and some potential reasons why it happens.

Here, I want to dive deeper into prevention and ways to support your child’s eating at home. In part 3, I will detail therapeutic interventions. Part 3 is written more for feeding therapists, but parents and caregivers may get some benefit from it too!

This post is long, so I wanted to give you a quick outline of what to expect.

Infancy: How to feed infants
Toddlers: How to feed toddlers
Childhood: How to feed children
Food language and why it is important
What happens when things go wrong (and a few actionable strategies)
I have a picky eater, what can I do? (Plus 15 strategies)
Persistent picky eating and what to do about it

One of the last messages I left with you with in Big Kids, Small Menus: Learn Why Your Child May Be a Picky Eater was that the earlier the onset of picky eating the longer it tends to last.

So that poses the question – can we prevent picky eating?

In many cases, I believe the answer is yes. However, I do also believe there are many cases of picky eating that are secondary to other underlying difficulties. Also, please note that I am referring to picky eating only, not the more significant disorder, called Avoidance Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID).

We know that many neurodivergent children are picky eaters. This may be due to preference for sameness, the need for control, sensory difficulties, oral motor deficits, and more.

We also know, however, that there are a few key components of eating that create positive relationships with food. Therefore, even children who are predisposed to picky eating because of neurodivergence can benefit from these implemented into their eating environments.

Infancy: Where Prevention Really Starts

If we want children to be adventurous eaters, our best bet is to start from the very beginning. Most children are ready to start solid foods (the term I use to refer to any food that is not milk) around 6 months of age.

At this time, babies should start learning to eat by feeding themselves. They should eat along with others and should be exposed to a large variety of foods prepared according to safety and developmental appropriateness.

I wrote a whole book on this very topic! If you have an infant or know someone with an infant, you should definitely check out this resource! It is an ebook that can be downloaded from our Teachers Pay Teachers Site for not much more than a daily coffee 😉 https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/store/three-roads-therapy-llc

I also have a few blog posts that can help you dip your toes into understanding why we want to introduce solids this way and how to do it.

Why Infants Don’t Need Baby Food When Starting Solid Food

Help! My Baby Doesn’t Like Solid Food

Feeding Gear for Starting Solid Food: Speech Therapist Approved

Toddler Years

I describe the 6-12 month phase (e.g. weaning phase) as the most important for variety and palate development. But I describe the 1-3 year old phase (e.g. toddler phase) as the most important for learning the rules of eating.

What you teach and shape into a routine during this phase will be what you reap into later toddlerhood and into early childhood as far as eating patterns.

So, I always congratulate parents when they “make it” to 12 months with their infant. The messes, the potential allergies, the messes, the constant checking for safety, the messes.

But, I also encourage them to not let up in terms of their diligence with continuing to form healthy boundaries and patterns for their child’s eating.

Toddlerhood is a challenging time for most. Toddlers are irrational, they have difficulty regulating their emotions, and they are eager to be independent. Toddlers are also full of curiosity and wonder and they are learning new things every single day.

They learn by observing – they observe what you do, how you do it, and question why you do it … a lot. This helps them make sense of the world around them. They store this information into little “boxes” in their brains called schemas. As they have more experiences, these schemas expand and start to make connections with one another.

They learn by doing – their life is one big trial and error (a lot of the latter). Due to their curiosity they experiment with everything. The natural consequences to all of their experiments shape what happens next as well as what they store into their schema.

Your response also plays a huge role in what happens next and what they store into their schema. They want your approval. They trust you. They want to learn from you.

When you take the time to slow down and teach them, they will benefit. When you are in a constant rush or you are frustrated, they feel that too.

Feeding toddlers is challenging. Even when it is hard, try to remind yourself that they are learning from you and your response to them. Take a deep breath. Come back to this information for reassurance. This season will not last forever… but the challenges that come with it will if you are not intentional.

How Do We Feed Toddlers

You have read my ebook which describes self-feeding a variety of foods, that are alternated often to prevent burnout, in a family meal setting and you have been doing this for the past 6 months.

Continue doing this!

Your toddler should be eating 3 meals a day by 12 months (if not before). These foods should be the same things the rest of the family are eating, with modifications for texture/size/safety.

At most meals, this will include a protein, carbohydrate, and a fruit and/or vegetable.

Try and involve them in simple meal preparation activities to encourage their interest and ownership of food.

Your toddler may also benefit from a few snacks spread throughout the day. This is where things start to get hairy … the introduction of snacks. And where the need for rules comes in.

General Snack Rules

Snacks should be treated as “mini meals” rather than “snacks”. When we think “snack”, we tend to think quick, often processed foods. Many of these foods are empty calories; have added preservatives, oils, dyes, etc.; they are costly; and they do not provide much nutritional value. I am not saying all processed foods are bad or you should never have them. Because we all need convenience at different times in our lives. But, when we aim for whole foods, we will get a much bigger bang for our buck. When we aim for a “mini meal” we think of balance – protein, carb, fruit and/or veggie in smaller form than a regular meal. This provides an opportunity to nourish and fill your child’s needs with less additives and usually less cost involved.
Snacks are not a substitute for a real meal, even though they are a “mini meal”. Snacks should be evenly spaced between meals to meet your child’s need for frequent refilling, but there should be enough time between each snack and meal to allow for some natural hunger. Usually 1-2 hours is an adequate amount of time, but you know your child and you may need to adjust the schedule a bit for their needs. Just because your child says “I’m hungry” does not mean you need to jump to meet that need immediately. I am obviously NOT saying you should starve your child, but if you are going to eat lunch in 15 minutes, your child feeling hungry is a good thing! They will be hungry enough to fill up at lunch. They do not need a snack while you get lunch ready. So often parents express frustration with their child refusing to eat meals, and when we look at their eating schedule, this is often one of the first things I point out for some change.
Snacks should be part of your day rather than something that is earned. When you maintain a regular schedule, your child’s body will get used to this and be able to predict the next time to eat. This helps cut down on the number of times they ask to eat in a day. It will also help prevent extremes in behavior because of sensory dysregulation. Try to offer the same snacks to each child rather than individualized snacks (adjusting for texture/allergies/safety as needed). Children do not need to earn special foods and using food as motivation or bribery on a regular basis will interrupt the positive relationship with food. Dessert is not a reward. It is something enjoyed after a meal, with family, on a hot day, at a party, or just because.
Snacks (and meals) are eaten in a chair most of the time to prevent grazing and promote safety for chewing and swallowing. When we create a regular habit of sitting at the table together, we first and foremost create a habit of connection throughout the day. We also promote safety – because the safest place for your child to eat is supported in their chair. Additionally, when all eating happens at the table, this limits the need to graze on food (e.g. eat mindlessly all day long) and promote presence during eating, which will help shape their healthy relationship with food.

Early Childhood

You have been consistently implementing self-feeding, a variety of foods, alternated often to prevent burnout, in a family meal setting, with consistent mini-meal snacks spread throughout the day, you have a consistent meal/snack routine where everyone sits at the table for most meals/snacks each day, and you offer desserts as part of your normal weekly routine not as bribes or rewards.

Congratulations on being consistent and continue doing this!

Childhood eating often seems like a progression of toddler challenges. They are still experimenting with control and learning to express their likes and dislikes. But they are starting to become a little more skilled and a little less reactive as compared to a toddler.

Additionally, you learned in Big Kids, Small Menus: Learn Why Your Child May Be a Picky Eater that picky eating can peak around ages 3-5, so this phase does not necessarily become much easier in terms of their actual eating. The good news is that if you have been implementing all of the aforementioned strategies, you have already created a healthy routine centered around food so you can consistently lean on that for some support.

Preschool and early elementary aged children can still become dysregulated and sensory challenges may play into their eating. It is important to teach them an emotional vocabulary early on so that they can learn to express themselves when they are struggling.

Narrating for Successful Language Development talks a lot about how to do this. But in summary, you can model their emotion words for them … if they are mad… you can say “I am mad”.

As they get a little older, you can also add a brief explanation of why they are mad “I am mad because I dropped my toy”.

As they get a little older, you can also add a brief regulation tool. “I am mad because I dropped my toy. I can take a deep breath and ask mom to get it”.

Children are still very black and white thinkers and so you will start to see them express their food preferences and name/describe food in this way. You may start to see them say things like “broccoli is gross” or “I don’t like sausage” or “I love ice cream” or “I am only going to eat the mac n cheese on my plate”.

Similarly to toddler years, children are learning by observing and experimenting. They are experimenting with self-expression (e.g. the food descriptions in the previous paragraph) and the “consequence” of this expression (e.g. your response to it) will shape what comes next and what they store into their brain.

I don’t say all of this to put too much pressure on you in expectation that you will respond perfectly every.single.time. Perfection is not the goal. I am a feeding therapist and I don’t get it right at home or in therapy every time!!! But, when you have awareness of it and try to consistently respond appropriately, that will help!!!

How Do We Feed Preschool and Early Elementary Aged Children

You will continue with a similar structure as the toddler feeding schedule.

3 meals and a few snacks (e.g. “mini meals”) spread throughout the day to allow natural hunger between each.

Focus on a combination of protein, carbohydrate, and fruit and/or vegetable at each setting, most of the time. Having this balance of real food will promote fullness throughout the day and prevent less drastic shifts in behavior due to blood sugar regulation. It will also continue to help them meet their nutritional needs and support their growing bodies and development.

Still, most meals and snacks should happen at the table and eating should be done along with others as much as possible. However, these years are when we start to see scheduling changes that may affect the frequency of this.

Many argue that family style meals most of the time will promote a strong family bond and support each members’ feeling of connection and stability. They can rely on coming to the table as a time of debrief from their day and share their struggles and successes. Their family can help them problem-solve and congratulate them on their wins. No one can argue that this is an ideal thing to support on a regular basis.

However, many also argue that community involvement and extracurricular activities are also important.

I cannot make this decision for you and your family.

I will always advocate for family style meals at least a few times each week and I will always advocate for real food more than a drive thru or processed foods. But, as family life and extracurriculars become more prominent you will find a balance that works for you and your family.

Food Language

Up to this point, I have painted the picture of what and how we feed children with the goal of prevention of picky eating.

The next thing I want to discuss is how we talk about food.

Not only do we have to plan, prepare, serve, and clean up the meals; but now we have to pay attention to how we talk about food?!

I usually lose people on this one, but it is super important. I have always used this as a portion of my feeding therapy, but then I listened to a presentation from an eating disorder specialist, and this was her main point, and she sold me even more on its importance.

Reminder, children are black and white thinkers. They have not yet developed the cognitive skills to fully understand multiple aspects of the world. Therefore, when they hear us call food that they enjoy “junk” or “healthy” they tend to hang onto these attributes.

Sounds like they would then quit eating the “junk”, right? Not quite.

Since they like the “junk” but they know this is a “bad” thing, they may have feelings that they are bad. Or, that eating that food is shameful. What do we do when we are ashamed? We hide.

On the reverse, they might hear us describe food as “healthy” and therefore that is a “good” thing. They may obsess over “healthy” foods so that you talk nicely about them or give your approval.

This sounds like a pretty good outcome, right? They like “healthy” foods. Not quite.

Many kids (because of how they think) can start to restrict their diet to only “healthy” foods. Or, in even more extreme situations, they may outwardly prefer “healthy” foods but hide that they really eat “junk” foods.

This is the perfect storm for unhealthy relationships with food and even eating disorders.

This is just one example of using food language and its importance. Let me show you how to use more neutral food language in your home on a regular basis…

Instead of “like/don’t like ____ “ … try “I am learning about ____“

Instead of “Healthy/Junk Food“ … try “food is food” or talk about different attributes of food, such as taste or nutritional value. We can absolutely teach children that certain foods are more nutritious than others, but all food has a place.

Instead of “Gross/Yuck “ … try to describe the food “Squishy, Juicy, Seedy“

Instead of “I am not eating ____ “ … try “I am going to leave it on my plate and think about/look at/smell/touch it“

Instead of “I need to lose 5 pounds, I am going to skip lunch today“ … try not discussing your body size. Show gratitude for your body and the desire to care for it. You can model healthy eating patterns as well as other self-care routines, such as exercise, sleep, relational boundaries, and more. Remember, overall health is dependent on so much more than what we eat and how we look.

A last note on food language. Please. Please. Please do not let your child describe themself as a “picky eater”. This is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is really not anyone’s business what your child eats… especially because if you are telling a random family member at a Christmas party, their eating patterns will likely be off anyway because of the environment. But also because discussing what they eat is one of the easiest things to be judged on, because it is visible.

Anyway, when they hear you call them a “picky eater” this is shameful for them but they also take on the role as a “picky eater”. Their internal dialogue is saying, next time you serve them blueberries at lunch, “I am picky, I do not have to eat those”. When maybe, had they not heard you call them picky last week, they would’ve been willing to interact with the blueberries.

I often gently correct/model this out in the real world… “they are learning about new foods” or “haven’t had enough practice with ___” or “unsure about this new food today, maybe next time”.

All of this is in a perfect world … What happens when things go wrong?

So up to this point, I have given you what feeding children looks like in a perfect world.

The aforementioned structure and rules don’t account for serious illnesses, hospitalizations, surgeries, divorce, loss of jobs, welcoming newborns, job changes, pandemics, and any of the other family life circumstances that you may find yourself in during different seasons.

I have listened to *a lot* of stories from amazing, well-intentioned parents and caregivers who tried to do most of what I outlined above, but because of XYZ circumstances, it just didn’t happen.

I hear you and I see your effort. Some days “fed is best” and I truly agree with that! In my home we eat really nutritiously and together as a family for almost every meal or snack. And, at times, we all eat something different from the couch or we enjoy a Drive Thru meal because I. Just. Can’t.

Below are a few ideas of simple ways to address short-term problems that may arise. Later, I will cover solutions for more long-term feeding challenges.

Pick 1 Rule

When families are in tough seasons and feeding children a variety of nutrient-dense meals, on the same schedule, at the table together is just too much, I encourage them to “pick 1”.

Pick 1 aspect that you can do and try to stick with it as much as possible. I cannot decide what that 1 is, only you can. But, here are some examples of what that might look like.

Your kids are in a busy season and each kid has a different extracurricular each night. You have some time during the weekend or when they are in bed to meal prep a few nutritious crockpot meals for the week. So, your kids are eating nutritious, homemade meals, but from the backseat of the car between activities.

Grandma is in the nursing home. You go and visit her each day after you drop the kids off at school, where you stay most of the day. Then, you pick them up, help with homework, and take them with you to go visit her again in the evening. There is no time to cook. You grab a takeout pizza or drive thru meal and take it to the nursing home. You are eating less nutritious foods, but you are doing so along with others in a family style setting.

Everyone in your house has been sick. Struggling with fevers and refusing to eat or drink. You are afraid your kids might get dehydrated because of their lack of eating/drinking. You offer nutritious broths, electrolyte drinks, smoothies, popsicles, and fruit to encourage them to eat anything. And you allow them to do so from wherever they currently are – the couch, their bed, or sleeping bags on the floor.

Nutritional Swaps and Add-Ins

Similarly to “pick 1”, I often encourage families to assess what they are eating and see if there is 1 swap they can make to make their meals/snacks more nutritious. There are also a lot of ways to add in additional nutrients to some of your child’s favorite meals.

A few disclaimers … I am not a dietician nor am I an expert on each individual person’s specific nutritional needs. I am giving general information that could apply to the masses rather than thinking about each individual.

Here are a few of my favorite (and most often recommended) swaps:

White Bread Products (e.g. bread, bagels, english muffins, tortillas, noodles): Wheat, fresh milled flour, sourdough, almond or coconut flour, homemade vs store bought. Chickpea or brown rice noodles are good options.
Purchased Desserts: Homemade desserts with substituted honey, maple syrup, molasses, dates, or coconut sugar for refined sugar. Unsweetened applesauce is another great sweetener in baked goods. Replace artificial dyes with naturally colored food dyes or sprinkles.
Fruit-Flavored Items (fruit snacks, fruit roll-ups, other gummies, juice drinks): Real fruit leathers, bars, or gummies. 100% fruit juices or freshly squeezed fruit into water. Homemade versions are also an option.
Flavored Yogurt (usually very high in sugar): Plain yogurt with add-ins. Add your own vanilla, honey, maple syrup, mashed/pureed fruit, granola, chocolate chips, peanut butter, and more to give it flavor.
Regular Chips or Crackers: Freeze dried fruit, chickpea-based chips/crackers, tortilla chips & veggie sticks made with avocado oil, dye-free versions of your favorite chips. Add a nutrient-dense dip, such as guac, plain yogurt with seasoning, or yogurt with peanut butter & honey.
Seed Oils (in many processed foods, especially snacks and dressings): Avocado, coconut, or olive oil-based snacks and dressings. This can be a daunting one and could possibly drive you crazy… do your best and don’t stress about the rest!!

Add-Ins:

Greens Powder: I put a scoop of this into sauces, soups, smoothies, popsicles, muffins, pancakes, meatloaf or meatballs and more! A small scoop can easily go unnoticed and can add some extra vitamins and minerals.
Nut & Seed Powder or Butter: Provided your child does not have an allergy, I recommend blending some nuts or seeds into powder (or buying it). This is fun to roll fruit into, sprinkle on top of yogurt or oatmeal. It can also go unnoticed mixed into their favorite peanut butter, smoothie, bread, muffins, or pancakes. This adds protein, fat, and numerous vitamins and minerals.
Frozen Spinach or Kale: I love to break little flakes of frozen greens off and stir them into eggs, smoothies, or sauces.
Herbs & Spices: I add a sprinkle of cinnamon to most things that I serve that are sweet in nature. I add a sprinkle of turmeric into many savory dishes. I cook with a ton of culinary herbs and try to buy (or grow) fresh or good quality ones so that their nutritional value remains.
Plain Yogurt: I add a scoop of plain yogurt into smoothies, cream-based sauces, various baked goods, and dips for additional protein.

There are tons of different ways you can subtly add in more nutrition into yours (and your child’s diet). A few key takeaways on this, though.

Start small. If you try to do all of these things you will feel overwhelmed. Make 1 small change at a time. If you do not have the time or the desire to learn to cook certain things, see if they are available homemade at a farmer’s market. Try to cook 1 new thing each month from scratch rather than buying it. As you try new things it will get easier for you. Once you have “mastered” a skill it can fit fairly seamlessly into your day and doesn’t feel like 1 more thing to do.
Try not to make a big deal about the swaps or add-ins. Ideally, your child will not even recognize the change and you are not pointing it out… watch your subtle reactions, such as overly encouraging or overly asking if they loved their smoothie. You will seem suspicious. If they ask about an observed change, you can discuss it with them, again without overly pressuring them.
Model the desired behavior. If you want them to eat your new (add-in) pancakes, eat them yourself. Sit down with them.

I Have a Picky Eater, What Can I Do To Help Them?

If you start to notice picky trends with your child, try first to be curious.

Do not try and “fix” the problem right away, just simply notice:

What do they seem to be preferring?
When do they seem to have the most trouble?
What led up to the struggle?

As you ask yourself these questions, try and observe them over the course of a week and maybe write down your thoughts so you don’t forget. In this time, try not to change your routine or schedule because a change would make it harder to sort out the difficulties.

Then, bring your thoughts and observations back to this information.

Can you find a common time of day they struggle? Maybe it is your routine or schedule.

Are they avoiding certain foods or food groups? Maybe you need to present them in a different manner.

Are they refusing to sit at the table? Maybe they are struggling with sensory dysregulation and need some external support, such as movement or calming before meals and a visual timer to stay in their seat.

After you have sorted out some of their specific struggles, you can start to make a plan. Make sure you share this with other adults who may be involved, making sure that they do not make a big deal about it to the child. Forcing, bribing, and shaming are a slippery slope.

What Might a Feeding Plan Look Like?

This will include all of my aforementioned strategies:

Offer a variety of foods (protein, carb, fruit and/or vegetables)
Alternate foods often so they are not getting burnt out (e.g. jagging) on foods
Eat along with others and eat the same foods (accounting for size, texture, and allergies)
Sit at the table for most meals and snacks
Keep a consistent meal and snack routine with enough space between them to allow natural hunger
Keep your food language neutral and redirect your child to do the same
Allow them to help prepare meals and snacks

Plus some or all of the following strategies:

Always offer preferred foods along with new or non-preferred foods. They must have something on their plate that they are familiar with and would regularly eat. Try to offer only 1 new or non-preferred food at a time so as not to overwhelm them. A preferred drink can also be useful to help them “wash down” the new food they may try.
Allow *and promote* food exploration and play. Parents usually dislike this one. But, when children can have the full sensory experience of the food (e.g. see, smell, taste, touch, and hear) it can help them fully learn about it. Also, make food fun! Play games, call food silly names, cut the food into different shapes, make pictures with the food, and more. Let them be imaginative and playful. You should do the same!
Use a preferred food to expand new foods. If your child loves ranch dressing. Use vegetable pieces as paintbrushes and paint with the ranch. If your child loves burgers try adding a new topping to the burger (or part of the burger). If your child loves cookies try adding some dried fruit or nut pieces into them. Use dips to your advantage if your child likes dips.
Try really hard not to serve them their own meal. Try and adjust meals so that everyone in the family has the same foods on their plate. This takes some planning and may require some creativity.
Offer a designated area on their plate/tray/table where your child can remove the food they do not want. It is ok if they remove it, because they are engaging with it. But, it is not ok if they throw it. Redirect throwing by taking their hand and placing the food in the designated area with a gentle “food stays on the table” or “food goes here”.
When possible, give them choices. This does not have to be every meal or snack, but try to give them power when you can. “Should we have carrots or green beans for our vegetable tonight?” “Do you want cheese or peanut butter with your banana?” “We are having pizza, would you like pepperoni or sausage?”.
Keep portions small, especially of the new or non-preferred foods. This can cut down on waste (along with frustration and money) but it will also reduce the visual overwhelm for your child.
Use a visual timer (set at a short amount of time) if your child struggles to stay at the table. Slowly increase the amount of time they will sit at the table.

What About Persistent Picky Eating

As with anything, if you feel your child’s picky eating is significant, persistent, impacting their health and development, disrupting your family, or if you have any additional concerns, you should always discuss these with your child’s healthcare provider. They may benefit from a referral which may include speech, occupational, or play therapies, counseling, dietician/nutritionist, gastroenterology, allergists, and more!

Additionally, more significantly, some children need further referrals to rule in/out the diagnosis of avoidance restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID). The scope of this article does not include recommendations for ARFID as this should be closely and individually managed.

Final Thoughts

There is a lot of information here. It could be easy to read it, feel overwhelmed, and freeze. I always recommend families to take things slowly. Especially because if you jump in too quickly your child may push back just as quickly. Things will likely get better before they get worse and it may become too much.

If you are currently all eating different meals at different times and eating a lot of processed foods, don’t feel the need to change every single aspect at once. If you declare that every single meal and snack will take place at the table, decide to start making all your food from scratch, and maintaining the same eating schedule for everyone starting this week. By next week, you will be overwhelmed.

Instead, pick 1 meal or snack at a time. Whichever is easiest. Make 1 thing from scratch rather than everything. And slowly ease into changes.

References:

Picky eating in children: Causes and consequences. Proc Nutr Soc. 2018 Nov 5:1–9. doi: 10.1017/S0029665118002586. Retrieved from: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6398579/

Expose Explore Expand. Melanie Potock. Obtained from: https://mymunchbug.com/2017/07/track-food-exposures/

Food Chaining: The Proven 6 step solution to stop picky eating, solve feeding problems, and expand your child’s diet (2007). Cheri Fraker, Dr. Mark Fishbein, Sibyl Cox and Laura Walbert, CCC/SLP, CLC

Cover photo and Pinterest images are not originals from Three Roads Therapy LLC. Obtained from Canva: Vanessa Loring from Pexels; Helena Lopes from Pexels; AHAPEN from Pexels; Own My Food Art from Pexels; Vanessa Loring from Pexels; Aflo Images from Aflo; August de Richelieu from Pexels

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